Gun Store Employees Rant

The same characters work at every gun store/range that I’ve ever been to:

The Best Gun Builder…Ever:

Don’t buy a Colt, DD, or LMT AR-15. All you are doing is paying for their namesake. This guy can build you a better rifle than the factory can. Just don’t ask where he hammer forges his barrels. He use to build sniper rifles for the CIA. Remington wants to buy his designs, but he turned them down because he is an artist and he isn’t into it for the money. How do you know this? He will tell you.

The Operator:

There is always the ubiquitous toolbox working behind the counter that was an uber-elite Ranger Danger Recon Operative that trained SEALs and made long-range hits for the CIA deep behind enemy lines. How do you know that he did all that stuff? He will be sure to tell you. He has the sleeve tattoos, shaved head and bushy beard, operator ball cap with sunglasses on top, and paracord bracelet just like on the YouTube videos from 2008. He has the gut of Fat Albert holding a pair of man tits up high and proud that strippers and porn stars pay big money to acquire, covered by Under Armor shirt that probably fit correctly this time last year. He makes sure that you see his super custom Glock 19 for which he has single-handedly corrected all of Gaston’s design mistakes riding comfortable in custom Kydex, as true professionals only carry in Kydex holsters. (This is the same G-19 that he made all of the long-range CIA hits with).

The Ranked Three-Gun or IDPA Champion:

This guy only carries a highly customized 1911 that he paid more for than he did for his Associate’s degree from the local community college. It is fairly reliable as long as he uses the correct ammunition. Why does he carry a 45? Because they don’t make a 46. His implement of war and competition rides comfortably in a custom leather holster, as true professionals only carry in leather holsters. How do you know that he is a ranked three-gun competitor? Don’t be worried, for if you can’t automatically infer this from the smart-looking Smith & Wesson shooting team jersey that he is wearing, he will be sure to slip that factoid into the conversation to make sure that you know. Did the in-store “Gun Builder” “build” any of his competition guns that he blazes his way to glory with each weekend? No. Some guy in New Mexico that you have never heard of, but it’s implied that you are a tactical faggot if you haven’t, is the one that took 18 months to mine the ore from the earth to forge the finest shooting implements ever assembled with a barrel vice. (Queen Elizabeth is on the waiting list to get one of his guns.)

The “Dude, Eat A Sandwich!” Guy:

There is always the wormy 130 pound beanpole with wearing a GSSF t-shirt that’s way too big, 5.11 tactical pants barely held up with a rigger’s belt (you never know when you might have to rappel down the side of the Uncle Mike’s display case), Merrell mids (because the floor of a gun store is hell on your feet) and a Glock 21 on his belt that is bigger than he is. For some reason you question as to whether he is actually old enough to buy a handgun, and feel that he would look more natural in a college dorm or frat house.

Be sure to watch for these guys the next time that you are at a guns store.
They will be there.
I promise.